you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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