so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
