I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
