carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
