I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
