wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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