I can text with my tongue
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
