two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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