my vag is so smooth its legendary
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
