I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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