i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
