look no pants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Who died my cat blue again?
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