Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
