its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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