We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
