I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
