Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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