the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
