well I can't set my house on fire every night
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
