sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
