So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
