omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
