Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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