i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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