theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize