I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Randomize
