I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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