Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
