is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize