Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
