there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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