Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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