omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
