the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
