Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
