she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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