I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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