smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
