The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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