Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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