She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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