He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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