I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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