You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
