we're chasing vodka with high fives
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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