you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
