im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
