fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
