lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
