Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
