My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
