My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's blow job season.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
