Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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