I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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