She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
