ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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