she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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