Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
