Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
