i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
3pm strippers are depressing
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
