Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
