i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
