i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
