it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
