If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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